Occasional kick
Only 19 weeks pregnant, her belly button has stretched
so much it looks Chinese
May 30, 2003
The Iranian
Picture the scene: I was sitting on the loo (OK, you don’t
have to picture the scene in any detail) when Varinder walked in.
“Flush the loo and spray some freshener!”
I looked up at her absent mindedly and nearly jumped out of my skin
with shock.
“What’s that?”
My yell made Varinder jump - not good since she is heavily
pregnant with twins.
“What’s what?”
I pointed to her midriff.
“These are maternity knickers you idiot!”
“Why do they have to cover your entire bulge right up to your
armpits?”
“Don’t exaggerate. Anyway they give me support.”
I swear I could have stitched up the holes her legs went through
and used into parachute into occupied Iraq.
The fact is that although Varinder is only 19 weeks pregnant, she
looks like she has reached full term. I can’t imagine her
stomach growing anymore. Her belly button has stretched so much
it looks Chinese.
To top everything, she has bought a maternity pillow which is shaped
rather like a boomerang and is as tall as she is. I have to sleep
with this thing between us. She tells me it helps support the bulge
carrying our twins. More than once she has banged my face with it
while I was sleeping and she was trying to adjust it. What happened
to the compact door stop shaped foam cushion we had before?
A week or so ago, I was woken up by Varinder telling me not to touch
her stomach. I wasn’t. So I sat up to see what was going on.
To our delight we realised it was one of the twins giving an occasional
kick. The kicks are now fairly routine and Varinder finds them very
comforting. I am given kick by kick updates and run over to her
in the hope of feeling one for myself. As yet, I haven’t had
the pleasure.
In addition to her huge belly which makes her waddle through Selfridges
like a Penguin, she has developed enormous breasts which are still
growing. At least one of her six week old maternity bras has already
ripped around the cup.
“What I find freaky about women,” I tell her, “is
how they can produce milk without eating grass…”
“You think you are so funny don’t you,” She replies
as she waddles away.
We are going on our final holiday before we become parents. Our
destination is a luxurious hotel on a peninsula in the North of
the Spanish island of Majorca. It is very secluded and far from
everything. With a few good books to keep us company, we will return
home extremely chilled.
Varinder’s doctor, however, was far from chilled when we told
him we were flying to Spain.
“You realise some airlines won’t even let Varinder board
if she is carrying twins.”
“We have already checked with BA and they are fine as long
as she isn’t over 30 weeks.”
He pondered Varinder’s stomach for a minute before telling
her to wear maternity socks, drink plenty of water and walk around
at every opportunity to minimise the risk of deep vein thrombosis
or DVT.
On the way home I asked her if she felt completely happy about flying.
“Air hostesses fly until they are 6 months gone.”
So there we have it, we fly very soon.
“One last thing,” I asked her, “you know that
great big Sony camera? Wouldn’t it be great to buy a smaller
camera I can just drop into my top pocket when we go out?”
“No.”
“Look, if you let me get a new digital camera I promise not
to buy any clothes for the holiday.”
She turned to me with one of her, you idiot! looks before dealing
with my request once of and for all:
“You obviously don’t need clothes because you are not
desperate to buy any. And you certainly don’t need a camera
because you have a perfectly good one you bought less than 6 months
ago. Looks like you’re not getting anything then.” With
that she left me on my own in our now beautifully perfumed bathroom.
I will report back after our holidays and hopefully manage to share
some pictures showing just how pregnant my gorgeous wife looks.
Hopefully she will let me.
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