Thank you Agent Smith
"Listen, don't do it, man," the voice said
May 15, 2006
Like many of my hot-blooded Iranian expats, I've been courting this hot chick in Iran for the possibility of marriage. I understand that the age difference of 23 years and the fact that she is a high school dropout in rehab might pose a threat to our future relationship, but my mother and her family insist that she is a great gal with many qualities which are waiting to make an appearance any-day-now.
Hours of phone calls to Iran every night was hitting me hard in the pocket. The fact that she has multiple personality and fights all the time didn't help much either. But I had invested a good deal of time and money on this honey and the time had come to make my move. After all, if my charm and pictures of my brand new BMW don't do the trick, my American passport will.
Last week I asked her over the phone to marry me. She contemplated for a while and said she will get back to me. I was not sure what that meant. Being away from the old country for so long, I presumed that was the way things are done. I thought maybe it's like the wedding ceremony where the bride is asked three times before she says yes.
She called me back the next day and said that her answer is yes. We had a long fight and said goodbye. That was the happiest day of my life. Between me and you and the billion viewers of this website, it's reassuring to know that a quality young girl can be shipped to you on a silver plate.
My phone rang immediately after I got off the phone with her.
"Listen, don't do it, man," the voice said.
"Pardon? Don't do what? Who is this?"
"Listen, dude. She ain't worth it," the voice said.
"What's this? Can I help you?"
"She's playing you, dude. She's having an affair with five other Iranian guys in L.A."
"You're talking about my future wife?"
"Yeah! She's mackin' it with a bunch of guys across America. She's a pro, dude. Run!"
"How dare you!"
"Listen, she's talking to a bunch of guys on the phone. She has 'em all lined up for when she comes to the U.S. She's a sleaze. You're fucked, dude."
"How do you know all that?"
The man lowered his voice and said, "My name is agent Smith with National Security Aqgency. We have been listening to all you Iranians. We know everything. Save yourself, man. She's gonna wreck your life."
At that moment I realized that the NSA wiretapping program had many benefits. It not only saves us from foreign terrorists, it also saved me from domestic HOs. Thank you Agent Smith and thank YOU Mr. President.
Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, (Virtualbookworm.com Publishing, December 2004). Also see Iranican-Dream.com.