Safer skies
Six easy steps to prevent airline terrorism
October 22, 2001
The Iranian
Idea 1
The best way to stop terrorists from hijacking planes is to put all passengers
into sleep during the entire flight. As passengers board the plane they
must be given sleeping pills. After a few minutes they would all go into
deep sleep and the plane would take off.
At the end of the flight, passengers are are woken up. But during the
flight if the pilot is informed about a passenger's past terrorist record,
he will be kept asleep and handed over to the FBI to be taken to his final
destination / resting place.
By taking this unprecedented action, we would eliminate the necessity
of airport security altogether. Airliners would save millions of dollars
by eliminating the cost of flight attendants and in-flight meals.
Idea 2
To stop suicide hijackers, it should be mandatory for every passenger to
fly with his/her spiritual leader. This would definitely prevent terrorists
from carrying out their evil plans. The only drawback to this plan would
be that Pope John Paul II, the Dalai Lama and some mollas would be flying
a lot, but I am sure they would understand.
Idea 3
Future skyscrapers should have flexible designs. An elastic building can
easily dodge approaching hotile planes. These buildings should also be equipped
with sensitive radar. When radar detects any large object getting close,
it would automatically trigger the defense mechanism and make the entire
structure move around to avoid collision, or even open up to let the plane
pass through. When the building dodges the plane, a huge middle-finger-shaped
balloon would inflate and fly into the air.
Idea 4
Placing Air Atheists instead of Air Marshals on every flight would be very
helpful. Before take-off, Air Atheists would make a multi-media presentation
to prove to passengers that there is no God and heaven is just a man-made
illusion.
Idea 5
Handcuffing of passengers during flights should become mandatory. Flight
attendants would spoon feed passengers and assit them with bowl movements
in their seat. Any passenger who complains must be immediately reported
to law enforcement authorities.
Idea 6
Religious leaders should convince their followers that all women in heaven
look like Madeleine Albright or Janet Reno. This preview of eternal life
in heaven would help prevent suicide missions and even convince terrorists
to work with the CIA to prevent future attacks.
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