Haft Khaan
Esmaal Aghaa's Matrimonial Guide

By Esmaal Aaghaa
January 1, 2003
The Iranian

In response to Azam Khanoom's advice on how to "woo a middle-aged Iranian woman", here's my effective EEROOONEE Haft-Khaan Matrimonial Guide: Chegooneh az Saro-Kalleh Zadan beh Saazo-Kel Zadan Bereseem.

Khaan-e avval: Avalleh aashenaaii

First thing you do is a very ghaleez "Salaamo aleykom, caakerim haaj khaanoom."

Do NOT look her straight in the eye. Sar bezir. Sharmo-hayaa, aaberoo hey-siyyat baayad hefz besheh!!

For added warmth grab her lop, mildly squeeze it and say "Chettttouri Goozoo?" Make sure taraf sefid-mefid topol-mopol baasheh before you attempt this.

Agar kayf kard and blushed, you are on the right track. Begoo ey-vallaa!

Agar torsh kard and started talking about hoghoogheh jenseh mo'annas, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal.

Khaan-e dovvom: Khodemoonee shodan

In order to break the ice, you need to show some initiative. aakheh mardi goftan... zanee goftan...

Taragh bezan dareh maa-taht-e marbooteh va boland begoo: "AJAB HEKAAYATIYEH!"

Agar goft "evaa... khaak besaram... haaj aaghaa injaa jaash neest"... ey vallaa!!

Agar goft "Stop it / What did you do? / Don't touch me!" and other jiberish, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal.

Khaan-e sevvom: Sharaayeteh khaanoomeh marbooteh

Bepors "Baladeh mora'ssa'a-polo bepazee?"

Agar javaabesh "ba'leh" bood... ey-vallaaa!!

Agar baahaaneh maahaaneh aavord va khaast baa fesenjoon sareto shireh bemaaleh, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal.

Khaan-e chaahaarom: Bacheh va zaado valad

Ask her "Jigar... ghorboonet beram (sweetheart-meetheart nagi-yaa!... kheili yakheh)... chand-sheekam haazeri bezaaee?"

Agar goft 7-8-taaa (ghaddo neem-ghadd)... ey-vallaaa!

Agar goft 1-2-taa.... bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal.

Khaan-e panjom: Sheer-bahaa

Az fakko faameelesh miporseen sheer-bahaa cheh ghadeh?

Agar goftan yek jeld kalaamollaah, yek shaakheh gol, ....ahleh mo'aamelan-o mahzar-boro... ey-vallaaaa!!

Agar goftan talaa malaa mikhaan, donbaaleh pool-moolan, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal.

Khaan-e sheshom: Shabeh hejleh

Agar goftee behesh "Ayzam... savaareh motor sheem bereem mosaaferkhooneh" va goft "Baasheh", ey-vallaaa....

Agar goft "Berim Hotel-motel va chaampaagne-maampaagne mikhaam," bi-khiaal aaghaa, bikhiaal!

Khaan-e haftom: Avalleh besmellaah

Give her security. Tell her "Jigaretto bokhoram.... ghorbooneh ghaddo-baalaat beram (all 4 ft 6 inches of her)... baa hameyeh mokaafaatet mikhaamet!"

EEshaallaa paay-e ham peer sheen!



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