By Gojeh Ezaafeh
January 29, 2002
The Iranian

WARNING!

What you are about to read will question faith, organized religion and (attempt to) make fun of what you may well consider "sacred". Please do not send email if you find this upsetting especially if it makes you angry. Go have some doogh instead.

Please DO NOT READ this story if you are religious, or hungry! Dah baar deegeh begam?


I've finally had it. I'm fed up with the major religions these days. And it's not the 9-11 thing either. It's been brewing in me for a while now (ever since '79 I believe!).

Is it me or does it seem that everyone is wearing their religions, like fashion statements and company logos these days. Doesn't this go against all that religion is supposed to preach?

Buddhists with the hazard orange loincloth (very visible, especially from far away), marine haircuts, and laptops sitting in business class? Buddha gave up all he owned as a prince to seek ultimate Truth. It seems the Buddhists of today can't handle it unless they have the latest hardware/software bundle and a wireless broadband connection. Also, there seems to be a lot of gold in the temples. Let's see... Buddha specifically choose to give up all the gold he had, but you think you should give it back to him via a gold temple?

Mormons never take off their underwear, not to shower, not even during (frequent) sex! Mormons believe they are direct descendants of a race of travelers from a distant planet, and that Christ was American. Missionaries are required to wear the uniform and convert the masses. There is a quota and a reward for exceeding it. Mormons only do business with other Mormons whenever possible. Mormons do not drink Caffeine, yet the church is one of the largest stockholders in Coca Cola.

Sikhs believe their hair is sacred and should never be cut, that the turban is a symbol of royalty and respect. Practicing Sikhs are required to carry a small sword with them at all times! To Sikhs the sword is symbolic in much the same way as Christians and the cross. There are five times as many Sikhs as Jews.

The Catholics are way off track, they treat the Pope like an actual king, with all the jewels, the throne, the palace, and the bulletproof car that goes with it. People line up (and pay!) to shake his hand and receive his blessing. Even though Christ said he was the true and only son of God, the Pope(s) claim they are appointed by God to be in charge of the church. When you compare the life of the average Pope with the life of Christ they are VERY far apart.

Orthodox Jews insist they are the direct descendants of Abrahm, or the first civilized people, or something along those lines. Even though it has been scientifically proven otherwise. They wear the little side curls and raggedy prayer cloth in plain sight, yet for some reason dominate the New York-Amsterdam-Tel Aviv diamond districts. Let's see, it's okay to use a system that perpetuates greed (a mortal sin) in order to have the means to live life as a pious person? How unorthodox!

And finally, Ah yes! Fundamentalist Islam! Jesus, there's so much, , where do I start? At last count there are no less than 14 designs for the hejab, roosari, manteau, burka, chador or whatever you want to call this oppressive symbol of the year. (You don't believe me? Then visit http://www.islamicsuperstore.net/hejabs.htm)

And can somebody 'splain this to Tony, where in the Ghoran does it say that it's an actual veil of cloth? I thought it was a metaphorical veil of purity that a woman should enshroud herself with, to hold her head up proudly and command respect for being the life giver and life nurturer. Given the lawlessness, and "looseness" of the Arab world at the time, it made sense. Walking around in a sack just might be a bit off!

Everyone these days seems to be saying;

"Look at how royal my turban makes me look! I'm a Sikh! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

"Look at my fish bumpersticker, I'm the studly Christian tripple threat, I qualify for automatic redemption, indemnification and forgiveness. Nanny-Nanny Boo-Boo!"

"Look at my custom croche'd yamulka I'm a Jew baby! I'm one of the few, the proud, the chosen! Kenef!"

"Check out the flowing robe Bra' (and Hoo! Hoo! I'm not wearing pants)! I'm a Buddhist! Aren't I cool!"

"Look at me, I'm a white girl from Jersey, I may be butt ugly and 45 pounds overweight, but I'm wearing a hejab and no makeup, because I (and my abusive husband) really want to! Rock On!"

"Look at me!"

"Look at me!"

" L O O K A T M E ! ! ! "

I thought one of the main tenets of all these religions was humility, that you weren't supposed to brag about it? I mean if God knows and sees everything, He doesn't factor you wearing all the religious decoration now does She? Here's one more: each religion teaches about one true God (theirs of course), but completely discounts the the next religion, branding it as optional but always illegitimate, never equal. They state right to your face that theirs is the one true religion.

HELLO???? HOW CAN THAT BE?

So, you can see I've pretty much got no faith in any of these organized religions anymore. As a true student, of course I blame The Administration, for having ruined it for everybody.


So I give up. I give up! You know, Aslan, I have a better idea, I'll start my own religion. Keep it simple and make it accessible so it doesn't threaten anyone. But I need a gimmick, I need an angle, I need some kind of adhesive. Let's see, what's always good and never evil...(you know I'm kind of hungry...I could really go for some...Wait! That's it!)

Introducing: Kabab is Great!

Here are the basic tenets of the Kababist faith. (Oh and by the way if you think you'd like to join after reading this, no problem, you're in! You can also leave whenever you want to! Membership, unlike in the other religions, is not the point here.)

is the belief that whenever things get too dark or heavy in your life, you should simply stop, take a break, and make some Kabab! It may not solve your immediate problems but it will give you something positive to do while you work things out over the altar, known as "Manghal", and it's guaranteed to make you feel better very soon.

is all about family values. Almost every family member likes kabab. Those that don't, have other issues. Kababism fosters open communication and quickly gets to the root of problems between family members. "You don't like Dad's kabab? C'mon, what's really bothering you?"

fosters the traditional Patriarchic social order, as fathers and sons are usually tasked with the traditional role of making the kabab, although mothers' and daughters' roles are absolutely key to good kabab ingredients, serving and managing the general construction.

fosters teamwork. Yet it is an individual sport too. It is the responsibility of the one making the kabab for the others, not to burn it or make it too rare. Kababism teaches respect and caring for others.

teaches harmony. Too hot a fire and the kabab will fall or burn; not too hot and it will take too long to cook.

NOTE: There is only one sin in Kababism, and that is running out of kabab. But the beauty of this is that you can make up for it by either making more kabab (immediately), or at the very least, the next time everyone gets together.

is everywhere you want it to be. Although Kababism can be all around you, it is inherently much better for it to be within you, for only then will you be able to appreciate it's benefits, and holistic healing power.

is instantly gratifying. You don't have to wait for life to be over. Waiting for kabab seems to take a lifetime, so Kababism teaches you patience and to live life fully today, for tomorrow there may be no time for kabab.

teaches you respect for animals. Those animals who are not er... Kababable, you respectfully (and thankfully) leave them be. Others that are better suited or ideal, you convert and you thank them for their life energy and being. They have martyred themselves for Kababism and for that we are internally grateful.

unlike the hidden charges of other religions, is not free and requires you to work hard to be able to "worship" regularly. The harder you work the better and more kabab you can have. Kababism requires as large a portion of your income as you want, to be set aside for worship. There is no minimum, there is no maximum. Kababsim is unbounded. Best of all you don't have to be rich to be a good kababist!

Everyone can be a practicing Kababist regardless of race or ethnic origin. Practice Kababism poorly and you will pay, likely the next day but it usually clears up in 24 hours. Consequently Kababism and cleanliness go hand in hand.

welcomes all who wish to learn more about it. You can kabab just about anything, however fundamentalist Kababists generally restrict Kabab to Meat, Jeegar, Del-o-Gholveh, Mahi and the Holy Gojeh (Note: The tomato is the only vegetable officially sanctioned as Kababist-friendly). Recently an up cropping of vegetarian kababists waving their oh so transparent flag of health consciousness have tried to make inroads into Kababism. The jury is still out, but so far it doesn't smell too good.

And on one final but interesting note, if you take Kabab and spell it backwards you get the name Babak. Babak as you well know, was a famous hunter of ancient Persian mythology. And why was he hunting in the first place you may ask?

Exactly! To make Kabab of course!

Coincidence? I think not!

May your kabab always be excellent, may your coals always be glowing, and may you never run out of somagh, noon or doogh.

blessing - "Bah! Bah! Ajab Kababi!"


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