Waiting for Hasan
Asylum speakers news, a radio sketch show in progress

May 11, 2005
iranian.com

Part 3 Part 1 Part 2
Scene 1
Ext. Night -- DESERTED GAS STATION

PRESENTER: Jimi and Sam, two refugees from Iran are at a disused petrol station somewhere in eastern Turkey expecting a people-smuggler to take them to Istanbul on the next leg of their journey to the UK. They are -- Waiting for Hasan.

ICY WIND BLOWS

SAM: Aghh! It’s freezing.

JIMI: Well, if we get caught we’ll say we’re snowmen.

SAM: If we get caught count yourself lucky we’ll be warm.

JIMI: With Turkish cops. Have you seen Midnight Express?

PAUSE

JIMI: Your friend Hasan, what does he look like?

SAM: What does it matter what he looks like?

JIMI: Tall, fat, juicy?

SAM: He’s slim Jimi, very thin, you can’t eat him.

JIMI: I don’t want to eat him.

SAM: What difference does it make what he looks like?

JIMI: I have to recognise him

SAM: No need. I know who he is.

JIMI: And if you are asleep?

SAM:We’ll lose him in the throng.

CHILLY WIND BLOWS

JIMI: Let’s go back to Iran, I have a bad feeling about this.

SAM: And tell the border guards what? We took a day trip to Turkey? They’ll think we are homosexuals -- If we get caught remember to point out we are smugglers.

JIMI: Why?

SAM: We’re less likely to get hanged.

JIMI: Sam, you are a real comfort.

ASYLUM SPEAKERS THE RADIO PHONE-IN

SMITHY: Twenty-eight minutes to 11. Are refugees terrorists? Let’s go straight to your calls. Ali in Acton.

CALLER: (MIDDLE EAST’ ACCENT) Smithy hello I am Ali.

SMITHY: Hello Ali what would you like to say?

CALLER: (RAISES VOICE) I am Ali.

SMITHY: We can hear you Ali, make your point.

CALLER: Yesterday I went to supermarket.

SMITHY: You went to what?

CALLER: Tesco. I went there to buy egg.

SMITHY: You went to Tesco to ‘buy egg’. Right, of what interest do you think that could be to people listening?

CALLER: I bought flower as well.

SMITHY: You bought a flower?

CALLER: No, not flower -- flowerr. With egg to make cake.

SMITHY: You bought flour. What’s this got to do with terrorism?

CALLER: Well, I left the flour in the shop.

SMITHY: Why?

CALLER: Well, I thought if I buy things to make cake and police catch me, they will think I am terrorist.

SMITHY: If they talk to you they might think you’re bonkers, but why would they think you’re a terrorist Ali?

CALLER: You see, the flour it looks like anthrax.

SMITHY: (PATIENTLY) Okay... the flour looked like anthrax. So you left it in the shop. What did you do with the eggs Ali?

CALLER: I cook omelette.

WAITING FOR HASAN

PRESENTER: And now Waiting for Hasan.

SOUND OF CRICKETS AT NIGHT

JIMI: What time is it?

SAM: I don’t know.

JIMI: You’ve got a watch.

SAM: It’s in my pocket.

JIMI: Well get it out.

SAM: It’s too cold.

JIMI: It’s okay, I’ll do it.

SAM: What are you doing?

JIMI:You said your watch is --

SAM: It’s in my pocket.

JIMI: So let me get it.

SAM: Get away, what are you doing?

JIMI: What’s this?

SAM: What’s what?

JIMI: This?

SAM: It’s mine.

JIMI: You’ve gotta banana! You never told me.

SAM: It’s for emergency.

JIMI: We’re supposed to trust each other!

SAM: And trust is broken by a banana!

JIMI: Have you got any more?

SAM: Yes, there’s another banana up my sleeve.

JIMI: Get it out.

SAM: It’s a joke.

JIMI: Let me see.

SAM: Stop it.

JIMI: What’s this?

SAM: My arm.

JIMI: Hold on take off your jacket.

SAM: It’s too cold.

JIMI: Take it off.

SAM: Okay, okay.

JIMI: A parsnip! You devil! Why are you carrying a parsnip?

SAM: In case.

JIMI: In case we see some rabbits!

SAM: Rabbits don’t eat parsnip.

JIMI: What do they eat?

SAM: Carrots.

JIMI: What’s up your leg, fillet of lamb?

SAM: No. A banana and asparagus.

JIMI: You should open a restaurant.

PAUSE

SAM: Hey Jimi...

JIMI: What?

JIMI: It’s quarter to one...
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