You need a hug
... to fathom the existence of a great marriage

August 16, 2005
iranian.com

In response to Hamid Karimianpour's "'Till time do us part":

Firstly, let me say that I feel a bit sad for you for having such a grim outlook on marriage and life in general.

Secondly, where are you gathering your statistics? Had you offered an age range for the set of percentages you've used in your piece -- these statistics may have been more relevant to the Iranian population worldwide.

Why? You ask -- well simply because older generations of Iranians were victims of arranged marriages, some of which have worked out wonderfully, and sadly others have drastically failed. To each generation their own, I say.

You mention, "An investment in a business venture is deemed foolish unless its promise of success significantly exceeds the chance of failure." well, I hope you didn't study business because that is a false statement by any and all means. Ever heard of Entrepreneurship?

Then you go on to say, "What could ever justify marriage, when the investment stretches far beyond an individual's material wealth to her or his whole person?"

Look if you need a hug -- just ask for one, because your statements are just indigestible. This is why you cannot fathom the existence of a great marriage. Marriage is not about material investment -- the whole point of it all is that it "stretches far beyond an individual's material wealth" and goes deep into love, passion, lust, trust, respect, great sex, and a partner in crime and supporter in life.

You write "the fact that I may speed up to 100 miles per hour along the highway and luckily survive does not change the truth that it is foolish to speed. " This comparison and half-assed analogy of yours is self explanatory and gives your readers further insight to your disconnected view on marriage, so I'll refrain from commenting but I will tell you that you made me laugh immensely with this one!

You also mention "Firstly, not even critics can deny that my position is valid for at least over half the population, to whom marriage no longer provides a viable and stable institution." Again with these statistics you will need much more info to determine anything. If the percentage is coming from an average, then it's up for interpretation.

Still, let's go with the 50% failure rate for marriages. Why would you even hint that this has anything to do with the institution of marriage? What it has to do with is the fact that some people marry too young, some people marry for money in the "hopes" of a divorce to collect alimony etc., some people marry because they feel they're getting too old, or some just because their families want them to... all of which are not good enough reasons to get married! Have you ever considered these examples in forming the statistics you thrown around?

Needless to say, people evolve as they age and as their environments change. Have you ever thought that a revolution may have had something to do with the psyche and therefore downfall of some Iranian marriages? Not to mention, Iranian women who've come to this country and have become more successful than their husbands, that is the main reason my mom's friends have divorced -- so add these criteria to your statistics.

People like you -- who marry for the wrong reason(s), will end up middle-aged, divorced, and unhappy. The only time anyone should get married is when and only when they are ready. I am getting married in 2 weeks and I couldn't be more thrilled and excited, because I'm marrying my best friend.

I don't think anyone in history is able to say that marriages are easy or that they are perfect -- but then again there are no perfect humans so how could a perfect marriage exist? Being in the year 2005, I think we are all aware enough and have heard enough stories to be able differentiate between right and wrong, at least I believe I've learned from others' mistakes.

Also, when it happens, you just know and that is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with -- and if a quarrel and/or battle if you will should arise -- solution is simply called communication. Personally I believe that the end of   99% of marriages starts and ends in the bedroom, if you are not attracted to one another or compatible -- then why marry at all? Have a fling and be done with it.

Some men and women tend to let themselves "go" and they still expect their spouse to still be attracted to them regardless of their odor or attire -- wrong! The way to make a marriage work is to first marry the right person for you, not the one your mom wanted you to marry and not the one who's last name has more clout than yours, but the one that you crave every second of every day and can't live without, and in that case if she/he is someone your mom and family approves of the you've hit the jackpot as I have. Ultimately all your family will wants is for you to be with someone that makes you happy, that is the key. Then you should not take each other for granted and respect each other.

I hate to make it sound so simple and run -- but that's how it's really been for me and that's how I see it. You might want to check with your insurance company to see if they cover shrink charges, because I think you indeed in need of some major couch time to revive your outlook on life and then on marriage.

On the other hand, you may have actually gotten to know yourself so well that you know you're not ready for marriage and you're saving some poor female depressing days. If that's the case, then more power to you. Though I doubt it is, I think (in my most clairvoyant voice) that you probably got lucky and married a beautiful Iranian girl and she hurt you really bad, quite possibly after she caught you doing something you shouldn't have been -- which all in all is still just fine and dandy with me but, if you can't handle marriage then why are you so worried about it to want to dissect it so much. You should move on, preferably with your personal trainer, Debbie so that she can help you release all your negative energy.

I will, however, leave you with last thought to ponder - had your parents not been married... you wouldn't be here writing so dramatically about your inner inability to commit or satisfy one woman.

Happy summer!