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Letter

Dear Sir
A presumptuous note

By Ali Sadri
November 7, 2003
The Iranian

After separation from my fiancé, the only thing left for me to do was to contact her father and break the news. He was not an ordinary father. On the contrary, he was a proud-as-a-peacock dignitary, a distinguished member of the late majesty's cabinet (our own beloved Shah). And I was fortunate to have clinked his champaign glass and privileged to produce occasional light to his cigar.

He held a doctorate in economics and demanded my (now former) fiancé, too, must acquire one even if it meant acquiring it in a certain Arab country where education was most probably of highest standard.

So I decided to write to her father and embarked on scribing the finest letter I have ever attempted in my entire feeble life. Though to persuade an intellectual giant who speaks prolifically in the utmost complex English constructs would be challenging. My creation must exceed my own limited intelligence; I would attempt to create absolute perfection. A gem of a letter from which would flow scholarly streams of words with dynamite, heart-rendering sentiments that would drive Charles Manson into becoming a nun and Mother Teresa into a murderer. And so I began to write:

Dear Sir,

My presumptuous yet polite but impromptu note at such inopportune time deserves not the slightest suggestion of interest on your behalf, conversely, my requesting of your fortitude in abiding a moment in time to my address delivered as inappropriately as it may seem is much appreciated, I assure you. It is beyond words the respect I reserve for your high stature and the honor I infinitely cherish in having been sanctified with your presence.

Only with diffidence in undertaking the following discharge of functions of thought in the form of words, which are meager, and presumably undeserving of your outstandingly expansive intellectual faculty, do I aspire to strive even at the jeopardy of my standing. Moreover, I have never delivered an address to distinguished characters such as yourself; therefore I trust that you would be kind as to descend to a stratum in which we can exchange these reflections of ideas.

Only with undersized acquirements did I distinguish myself to instigate the function of prospective husbandry to your daughter of thirty-five whom I came to find irresistible in a peculiar manner. Though I dismissed most oddities that ascended (and later escalated) during our courtship that initiated with an evening of sudden silent verbal performance of adoration, which I instantaneously came to be fond of.

Subsequent to the disclosure of your daughter's having been, since the age of fifteen, adulterated with various simple submicroscopic organisms in the lower extremity, a fiery dysfunction extinguished only by applying generously herbal and synthetic ointments, my disposition as constant as it may have seemed botched fortnightly when to my incredulity your daughter's paroxysm of flirtatious, alluring, and engaging demeanor conducive to the preceding and proceeding gentlemen acquaintances and associates and friends and connections and neighbors and grocers and postmen erected unexpectedly.

It would be of very great gratification to me to be excused for the reasons above. Therefore, I trust you will select someone else, whose leisure and talents may enable him to acquit himself with more honor than I should have it in my power to do.

Should you fail in procuring another I shall not be able to endeavor to deliver, however, I shall not consider the time occupied idly spent.

Your Friend, and

Servant,

X.

P.S. You mentioned in our last meeting that you were inclined to relocate to the West Coast and accept a position of Honorary Assistant Professor at the Riverside Community Collage. Since I have had the satisfaction to gander with awe upon the grandiose facility on several occasions, I must most confidently inspire you to cease immediately all contemplation and accept the position.

But then, after some reflection, I ripped up the page crumbling it inside clenched fists, and mailed anew with the following modifications:

Dear Sir,

Your daughter is a whore and the wedding is off.

Yours truly,

X.

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