| November 7, 2003
New drugs for women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .
Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level
as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
of doing it herself.
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